I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Randomize
