Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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