im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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