She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
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