He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
