So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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