but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
