At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize