your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
