the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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