Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
