eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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