You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
pray to the hookup gods
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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