She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
