just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
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