Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
