I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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