i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
