Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
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