Pants 0. Shit 1.
i already hear my dad disowning me
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize
