Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
