hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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