did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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