Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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