Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
