I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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