You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
