I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
It's shark week go big or go home
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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