You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
