Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
