My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
