The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize