If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
