I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Randomize