Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
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