If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
