So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
