and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
