I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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