I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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