Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
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