When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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