The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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