she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
