I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
