I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
