just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
