you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize