im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
