apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
