I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
