My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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