Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
