I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
