Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
