worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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