mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Randomize
