I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
my shit smells like andre
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Randomize
