it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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