mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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