Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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