yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
