I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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