Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
