Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Randomize
