that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
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