She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
