Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Randomize