I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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