Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
