Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
